As the school year rhythm begins to settle I find that more of my clients' "true" personality comes out. It's so much fun getting to know a whole new batch of kids with their own quirks and thoughts. I feel I've been lucky to have pretty balanced caseloads as far as boy to girl ration. Even so, I still find myself struggling with how to explain certain concepts to boys.
I've gotten pretty good at the intro spiel. It's easy to explain to boys that they got screwed when it comes to emotional intelligence/social knowledge. Big generalization,I know, but if you're sitting in Ms. Maria's office it's safe to assume you're not the most well adjusted in the first place. These kids get that. I think these kids are happy to have someone acknowledge that at all and so they pardon Ms. Maria when she does lame imitations of socially pressuring situations that boys might face.
I consider myself an intelligent person. I'm pretty knowledgeable about kids in general but I just don't get how boys think. Why are farts so funny to them? Why DON'T they care about when their friends' birthday's are? Do boys gossip? Is it the same as "talking shit" or is there some other equivalent verbal interaction that aims to hurt? I mean I've studied a bunch of stuff that explains bits and pieces but there is no manual on "how boys experience the world."
Yes, males have a lot of privilege. BUT they are also severely deprived when it comes to social/emotional learning. People have been asking lately: What can we do to prevent violence/shootings/rape/robbery etc.? I think the answer is simple: teacher kids how to be human. Teach them that EVERYONE is human and has the same feelings they do. Then, and this is the most important part, DON'T LET THEM FORGET IT. No starts out wanting to do bad things. Stuff happens and we're all human, trying to make sense of things.
One of my clients impressed me the other day. I first met this kid 2 years ago. The first words they said to me were "School is not for me." Then, at school meeting I hear that they told the vice principal that their goal was to go to college. That simple statement, which may not seem so impressive to those of us lucky enough to have always seen this as an option, represented leaps and bounds of growth for this kid. I never once told this kid he HAD to anything (except not light things on fire, but that's another story) except not get kicked out of school and not go to jail. I helped him discover who he was as a person because, how do you know what you're capable of if you don't know what your foundation is?
Monday, October 12, 2015
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Brains, Behavior and Bravado
When I was faced with the prospect of working with middle school kids at my new job I was scared. It's been a year now and I've learned a lot from working with middle and high school aged kids. I think the first thing people think when they hear "middle school aged" is "annoying dumb kid." I'll admit I've been guilty of that myself. The thing that most people seem to forget is just that though: they are KIDS.
In this society we have this weird notion that once kids are "old enough" they should figure things out for themselves and no longer need guidance or support from parents. At this point I'm probably preaching to the choir but, on the off chance someone out there reading this is unfamiliar with adolescent brain development lets go through a quick run down: (note: though not erudite or eloquent, I DO know what I'm talking about)
We have three different parts of our brains that are each in charge of different things.
-"Reptilian brain" does the easy/vital stuff: breathing, blinking, temperature control etc.
-"Mammal brain" is in charge of feelings, behavior, memories, motivation etc.
- "Human brain" is the part that we use to control impulses, planning and language
Guess which one develops last?
For visual emphasis: development of the decision making part of the brain.
This, in combination with a whole host of other things (genetics, economic/social status, support network etc.) makes teens a the epitome of anguish. Sure, some people are able to get through adolescence unscathed by the torment that is growing up but, I'm going to assume almost everyone has had those moments of "Who am I?" "What kind of person do I want to be?" "How the heck do I even figure that out?!?!" These are normal things teens go through and yet here we are, expecting them to be "on their best behavior" with no clear definition of what that is.
It's not logical for them to "know what to do" because their brains aren't wired that way yet. They're still running on instinct. They're getting better at thinking things through but they still screw up a lot. Again, THIS IS NORMAL. Anyone who works with/comes into contact with/ lives with teens would do well to remember that. I encourage my clients to express their ideas about self, future and current stressors in session and it amazes me how many of them will talk my ear off for the whole session (after the initial "Is she for real?" awkwardness). I validate their thoughts and feelings but I also make them think. I challenge them to examine their beliefs and even reframe negative thought patterns. Teens and kids internalize every word we speak to them. We NEED to be more careful with the words we choose.
In this society we have this weird notion that once kids are "old enough" they should figure things out for themselves and no longer need guidance or support from parents. At this point I'm probably preaching to the choir but, on the off chance someone out there reading this is unfamiliar with adolescent brain development lets go through a quick run down: (note: though not erudite or eloquent, I DO know what I'm talking about)
We have three different parts of our brains that are each in charge of different things.
-"Reptilian brain" does the easy/vital stuff: breathing, blinking, temperature control etc.
-"Mammal brain" is in charge of feelings, behavior, memories, motivation etc.
- "Human brain" is the part that we use to control impulses, planning and language
Guess which one develops last?
For visual emphasis: development of the decision making part of the brain.
This, in combination with a whole host of other things (genetics, economic/social status, support network etc.) makes teens a the epitome of anguish. Sure, some people are able to get through adolescence unscathed by the torment that is growing up but, I'm going to assume almost everyone has had those moments of "Who am I?" "What kind of person do I want to be?" "How the heck do I even figure that out?!?!" These are normal things teens go through and yet here we are, expecting them to be "on their best behavior" with no clear definition of what that is.
It's not logical for them to "know what to do" because their brains aren't wired that way yet. They're still running on instinct. They're getting better at thinking things through but they still screw up a lot. Again, THIS IS NORMAL. Anyone who works with/comes into contact with/ lives with teens would do well to remember that. I encourage my clients to express their ideas about self, future and current stressors in session and it amazes me how many of them will talk my ear off for the whole session (after the initial "Is she for real?" awkwardness). I validate their thoughts and feelings but I also make them think. I challenge them to examine their beliefs and even reframe negative thought patterns. Teens and kids internalize every word we speak to them. We NEED to be more careful with the words we choose.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Mental health, Music and Musings
"Carolina Drama"
by The Raconteurs
I'm not sure if there's a point to this story
But I'm going to tell it again
So many other people try to tell the tale
Not one of them knows the end
It was a junk-house in South Carolina
Held a boy the age of ten
Along with his older brother Billy
And a mother and her boyfriend
Who was a triple loser with some blue tattoos
That were given to him when he was young
And a drunk temper that was easy to lose
Thank god he didn't own a gun
Well, Billy woke up in the back of his truck
Took a minute to open his eyes
He took a peep into the back of the house
And found himself a big surprise
He didn't see his brother but there was his mother
With her red-headed head in her hands
While the boyfriend had his gloves wrapped around an old priest
Trying to choke the man
Ah Ah Ahhh...
Billy looked up from the window to the truck
Threw up, and had to struggle to stand
He saw that red-necked bastard with a hammer
Turn the priest into a shell of a man
The priest was putting up the fight of his life
But he was old and he was bound to lose
The boyfriend hit as hard as he could
And knocked the priest right down to his shoes
Well, now Billy knew but never actually met
The preacher lying there in the room
He heard himself say, "That must be my daddy"
Then he knew what he was gonna do
Billy got up enough courage, took it up
And grabbed the first blunt thing he could find
It was a cold, glass bottle of milk
That got delivered every morning at nine
Ah Ah Ahhh...
Billy broke in and saw the blood on the floor, and
He turned around and put the lock on the door
He looked dead into the boyfriend's eye
His mother was a ghost, too upset to cry, then
He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound
He heard the boyfriend shout, "Get out!"
And Billy said, "Not till I know what this is all about"
"Well, this preacher here was attacking your mama"
But Billy knew just who was starting the drama
So Billy took dead aim at his face
And smashed the bottle on the man who left his dad in disgrace, and
The white milk dripped down with the blood, and the
Boyfriend fell down dead for good
Right next to the preacher who was gasping for air
And Billy shouted, "Daddy, why'd you have to come back here?"
His mama reached behind the sugar and honey, and
Pulled out an envelope filled with money
"Your daddy gave us this," she collapsed in tears
"He's been paying all the bills for years"
"Mama, let's put this body underneath the trees
and put Daddy in the truck and head to Tennessee"
Just then, his little brother came in
Holding the milk man's hat and a bottle of gin singing,
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
Well now you heard another side to the story
But you wanna know how it ends?
If you must know, the truth about the tale
Go and ask the milkman
But I'm going to tell it again
So many other people try to tell the tale
Not one of them knows the end
It was a junk-house in South Carolina
Held a boy the age of ten
Along with his older brother Billy
And a mother and her boyfriend
Who was a triple loser with some blue tattoos
That were given to him when he was young
And a drunk temper that was easy to lose
Thank god he didn't own a gun
Well, Billy woke up in the back of his truck
Took a minute to open his eyes
He took a peep into the back of the house
And found himself a big surprise
He didn't see his brother but there was his mother
With her red-headed head in her hands
While the boyfriend had his gloves wrapped around an old priest
Trying to choke the man
Ah Ah Ahhh...
Billy looked up from the window to the truck
Threw up, and had to struggle to stand
He saw that red-necked bastard with a hammer
Turn the priest into a shell of a man
The priest was putting up the fight of his life
But he was old and he was bound to lose
The boyfriend hit as hard as he could
And knocked the priest right down to his shoes
Well, now Billy knew but never actually met
The preacher lying there in the room
He heard himself say, "That must be my daddy"
Then he knew what he was gonna do
Billy got up enough courage, took it up
And grabbed the first blunt thing he could find
It was a cold, glass bottle of milk
That got delivered every morning at nine
Ah Ah Ahhh...
Billy broke in and saw the blood on the floor, and
He turned around and put the lock on the door
He looked dead into the boyfriend's eye
His mother was a ghost, too upset to cry, then
He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound
He heard the boyfriend shout, "Get out!"
And Billy said, "Not till I know what this is all about"
"Well, this preacher here was attacking your mama"
But Billy knew just who was starting the drama
So Billy took dead aim at his face
And smashed the bottle on the man who left his dad in disgrace, and
The white milk dripped down with the blood, and the
Boyfriend fell down dead for good
Right next to the preacher who was gasping for air
And Billy shouted, "Daddy, why'd you have to come back here?"
His mama reached behind the sugar and honey, and
Pulled out an envelope filled with money
"Your daddy gave us this," she collapsed in tears
"He's been paying all the bills for years"
"Mama, let's put this body underneath the trees
and put Daddy in the truck and head to Tennessee"
Just then, his little brother came in
Holding the milk man's hat and a bottle of gin singing,
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
Well now you heard another side to the story
But you wanna know how it ends?
If you must know, the truth about the tale
Go and ask the milkman
As I was listening to this song on the way home I realized something. Through this well written, aesthetically pleasing song Jack White has managed to expose his listeners to themes that intense and troubling as well as (unfortunately) not uncommon: domestic violence, blended families, questioning one's identity and the lengths people go to protect their families. In essence, drama.
Yes, he does this in an incredibly exaggerated/artistic way and no, I don't think it was on purpose but I find it interesting nonetheless. I've always been a proponent of raising awareness around emotional and mental health. Especially when it comes to early intervention/prevention. I feel like if we, as a society, started placing as much emphasis on mental health as we do on physical health the world would be vastly improved.
Inter-generational trauma is a real thing. We've all known someone (maybe ourselves) who has been affected by "issues" their caregivers have experienced. Hell, everyone has issues for one reason or another. Why is it such a big deal? Why is there still this stigma around getting support around emotional needs? If we got it through out thick skulls that mental health "disorders" aren't this weird, unknowable, abyss from which we will suffer, then maybe,MAYBE we could start working towards a societal-wide shift towards a more tolerant society.
We aren't intolerant of people who have diabetes, cancer or MS. We don't blame them or their parents (for the most part) for causing the disease. No. We give them information, educate them on doing what they can to help themselves, guide them towards a healthier path. We COULD do the same with mental health but aren't. At least, not at the same scale as say, Kaiser pushing their "wellness program" bullshit. Does one psychiatrist visit every 6 weeks sound like adequate mental health? How about only having group therapy covered by insurance? Or having to wait 2 hours in an emergency room for the on-call psychiatrist? No? Then WHY aren't more people complaining? There are enough people who have Kaiser insurance who have experiences the lack of quality in mental health care and yet we remain silent. Bullshit. This apathy WILL kill us.
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